Missed Opportunities
by RedTailedHawkens
Summary: But I think about all the opportunities you had to tell me, that night under the fireworks, the night Sammy died...
1. Chapter One

Missed Opportunities

Author's Note: So, this is an idea I've been playing with for a while. I couldn't do anything with it for the longest time because I was having problems with my computer, but, thank goodness, those problems are now fixed (I was going insane). For those of you who are fans of my other Revenge Fanfiction, don't worry, I have not abandoned it. I am having some trouble figuring out where to go with it since the new season started, since obviously some things do not add up, but I do intend to continue it.

Disclaimer: Revenge is not mine, the scenes that are transcribed are from the show, the alterations are mine.

I hope you like this story. Please review. Have a nice day.

* * *

Chapter One

_But I think about all the opportunities you had to tell me that night under the fireworks …_

* * *

"I'm sorry, to, drag you away from the party." Jack says as he leads me to the bridge. "I just didn't feel right, telling you this over there."

"Telling me what?" I ask. I'm not sure what is going on yet, but I have a very bad feeling.

"Ever since I first saw you, I knew there was something about you. And I couldn't put my finger on it. Until now." _Oh no._ Could he know? No, he couldn't possibly. I've worked so hard, made my mask so secure. I hope he can't see how scared I am as I wait for him to continue. "Look, sometimes, you get a boat out on the open water, and you catch a wind, and the sails fill, and she comes to life under you, and it feels like more than just wind and water and vessel; it feels like there's something else going on. Something pulling you forward and surrounding you at the same time." I feel the tears well up and I push them back. He's saying everything I ever wanted to hear in the way only Jack Porter can, and it is so like him to compare love to the feeling he gets at sea. And the little girl Amanda that still lives somewhere inside me is screaming at me to kiss him and tell him how much it means to me for the little boy on the beach to finally say these things to me, these things I've been waiting what seems like my whole life to hear. But I don't. I just wait for him to keep going. "Am I making any sense?" He asks. And of course he is. He's saying everything I've felt for him since we first met on the beach all those years ago. But I can't tell him that.

"You're making perfect sense," I say as I take a deep breath and trying not to cry, try not to show how much it hurts to say what I knows I have to. I don't want to, but what choice do I have. "It's just, you're saying it to the wrong girl Jack." Jack's face falls, and I curse Nolan for encouraging him, giving him hope. This is exactly what I didn't want, "I'm seeing Daniel, I thought you knew that-"

"I know, I know, and normally I wouldn't do anything like this," He says, interrupting me. I notice that he's starting to get choked up, and my heart hurts to see him putting himself out there like this, knowing I have to break his heart, "but I feel like this feeling comes along once or twice in a lifetime if we're lucky." I try to swallow. It tastes like vomit and acid, "Tell me I'm alone in this." He pleads, "Tell me I'm alone in this, and I won't bother you again."

I feel a few stray tears fall, and I let them. I want to tell him that he isn't alone, but I know I can't. I take a deep breath, and try to tell him that he is, but I can't do that either. In spite of everything else, that's one lie I cannot tell, not to him. Unable to lie, and knowing I can't tell him the truth, I says the only thing I can, "I'm so sorry Jack."

He looks so heartbroken, and it breaks my heart to watch.

"No, it's uh, It's okay. I … I just, I just thought," he's trying to put on a brave face, just like I am, but this is killing both of us. I would do anything to take away his pain. "Let me, let me walk you back to the party."

"No, you don't have to do that." I say

"I ..."

"Jack-"

"Don't, don't. Don't feel like you have to say anything. Daniel is ... he seems like a nice guy and I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that. I'm really sorry."

He starts to walk off, and I feel the tears like a tidal wave. I can't fight them anymore. I don't want to. I want to throw up. I want to scream. And then, I'm chasing after him.

"Jack!" I call. I don't know why I'm yelling. He hasn't gotten very far yet.

He turns to me, still looking so heartbroken, and I can see in his eyes he thinks I want to apologize again, that I feel guilty, and he starts to brush me off, tell me it's fine, it's not my fault I don't feel like he does, but I don't let him get that far. I kiss him. Hard. And with everything I have. I kiss him with the love of little Amanda Clarke, and jaded, angry Emily Thorne. I kiss him with all my heart. Every breath, every tear belongs to him. I need him to know that.

When we finally pull away, he's looking at me completely dazed. He's happy, but confused. I smile at him through my tears.

"You're not alone, Jack." I whisper, "All my life, ever since I was little, I've always loved you."

His brow furrows. He looks at me, even more confused, "How is that … we only met …"

I shake my head, "We've known each other longer than you think. I couldn't come back as me Jack. There were… are reasons. Reason's I'll tell you. I shouldn't. This might be the most selfish thing I've ever done. And I've done a lot of selfish things but … I couldn't just let you walk away. Not without knowing …" he's still looking at me, completely mystified, and I know, I need to just dive in, "I'm Amanda Clarke."

His eyes widen in shock, and I feel so completely naked. More than anything, I just want him to hold me, and tell me he still feels for me what he felt moments ago.

* * *

… _I'm so confused. After everything that's happened, I know I should hate you. I should blame you, and wish you gone. I should wish you dead. But I don't. I can't. I've tried so hard to hate you; you have no idea how much. But I keep remembering moments … not just when we were kids, but these past few years. Even with all the lies, looking back, I can see that you __were__ there for me. You did care, at least, in your own twisted way. You were there when I needed you. And I … I need you now. I need you to be here. I …_


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: Revenge is not mine, the scenes that are transcribed are from the show, the alterations are mine.

* * *

Chapter Two

_… the night Sammy died …_

* * *

"I can get him into the truck; take him back to the Stowaway." Jack says. I can hear in his voice; he's trying so hard to keep it together, but his world is falling apart. I can relate.

"He used up all his energy getting here." I say, trying to sound rational, "I think this is where he wants to be."

"Yeah, after all these years."

"He's home." I finish.

"Everyday, everyday's been a gift. I was starting to think he was gonna live forever." He's crying, and I try to send him a though, encouraging him to go on, "I can't do it. I don't know if I have it in me to say goodbye to him." _Yes you do. You have to. _i can't. jack can't know who I am, so I can't say goodbye. It's selfish, but I need him to say goodbye, for both of us. Sammy needs to know how loved he was. And Jack needs it too: closure. He needs to say goodbye to Sammy.

He leans down and starts to whisper, I can barely make out what he is saying, "Sammy, thank you. Thank you for being such a good friend. Such a good listener. Thank you for making me smile, everyday, even on the worst of 'em. Thank you teaching me about loyalty, and friendship, thank you for teaching me how to love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Go on. Go play. Go play. I'm right here." Jack breaks down, and I want to comfort him to hold him, but this is a private moment, and it needs to be just him and Sammy. So I keep my distance, and I let them be.

Eventually, he covers Sammy with a blanket and starts to back away from him, "He was a really good friend." He says, almost like he feels he has to explain why he broke down so much, why he was crying so hard.

"So are you. Jack, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." I hug him, offer him comfort, and take comfort from him. And then, we're kissing, and it's everything we both need in this moment, everything we've both been dreaming of for so long.

We pull apart, and I smile at him through my tears, "You were always such a good friend Jack. To Sammy. To me. I couldn't have asked for a better one. I was just a scared little girl being taken away from her home, and you promised you would look after Sammy for me. All these years, and you kept him; kept your promise. And even though you didn't recognize me, you were still here for me. Still such a good friend. Even when I rejected you. Even when I let you believe I didn't love you, you were here for me."

Jack looks at me, confused, then realization dawns on him, "You're …"

I nod, "I'm sorry I had to lie to you. That I couldn't tell you. I …"

"Shhh, it's okay," he says, cradling my head, stroking my hair, "It's okay. I know now."

* * *

_… I need you to stay with me. Ever since I found out who you were, I've been trying to make sense of it, reconcile my memories of that little girl to who I thought Emily Thorne was and, and to who you are. To who I know you are now. I've tried to wrap my mind around it, but I realized maybe it doesn't matter as much who you are. Just as long as you're okay. Because I need you to be okay. And after everything, you owe me that. I'm asking this of you, after all you've put me through, don't make me lose someone else. Please …_


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: Revenge is not mine, the scenes that are transcribed are from the show, the alterations are mine.

* * *

Chapter Three

_… I wanted to_

_But you didn't …_

* * *

"I think that should be it. I'll go get him." Jack says as we finish digging the whole to bury Sammy in. he's not looking at me, not yet. We haven't said anything since the kiss, and between Sammy dying and finally kissing the boy I've been in love with my whole like, I'm about ready to explode.

"Are you okay?" I ask cautiously. It seems like a stupid question, but I don't know what else to say. And I am concerned; it's been an emotional night for him too.

"It's just nice having somebody with me." He says, "I always thought it would be Amanda. Now it feels like the only part of me left hanging on to her is going to be buried with him."

"Amanda's not gone Jack. She's … she's standing right next to you." I can't believe it just said that. I could try and take it back but… no, no I can't take it back. I don't want to. But he's looking at me, so confused, and I can't breathe. "You've always known we had a connection, and all the times Sammy came running over to me, he knew me Jack, he remembered me."

"But … but then who was …"

"A friend." He sounds so confused, and hurt. I can't blame him, "A good friend, who was willing to help me when I needed a new identity."

"Why?"

I take a deep breath, "To get close to the Graysons. They framed my father, Jack. They're responsible for what happened to my family. I couldn't let them get away with it, but I knew they'd never let Amanda Clarke get close, so I switched with somebody I knew I could trust." He doesn't say anything. "I'm so sorry, Jack. I wanted to tell you the truth so many times, I just, I was scared."

"Of what?"

I shake my head, "Of you getting hurt, of you hating me, of … of me not being strong enough … not being strong enough to walk away from you."

* * *

_… Please! I'm not strong enough to lose somebody else. It's all been stripped away from me, Declan, Amanda, Sammy, and I can't … I can't lose you too. When you told me you were leaving for good, that I would never see you again, I thought … I thought I should be grateful. But I wasn't. I didn't want to have to say goodbye, not for good. I didn't want to think I would never see you again. And now … now I would gladly take that over this. Please, please come back to me. I cannot lose another person I love. It's too much. And I need you. I need you to be the strong, slightly psychotic girl you are, the girl who doesn't stop fighting. I need you to pull through this for me. I need you …_


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

_… I love you…_

* * *

I jolt awake. Where am I? What's going on? I hear beeping, feel a needle in my hand. I look up and see and IV tube. Then, it all starts rushing back to me. My plan, the wedding, the boat. I remember the gun, which had been planned, and the bullets that weren't supposed to be there. I remember the shock, and feel the sting of betrayal as I picture the face of the person behind it all.

I remember collapsing into the water, thinking that this was it.

And then … what? Dreams? Memories? No, not memories. They didn't happen like that. So much would have been different if they had.

I look around me and realize I'm not alone. Jack is here, slumped in a chair, his hair falling over his face. _Should I wake him?_ I wonder. He looks so tired, but not peaceful. What is he doing here? I remember his voice, fading in and out of my dreams? Has he been talking to me? How long have I been here? How long has he been ere with me? How long since he slept?

I check the whiteboard on the hospital wall. It names a nurse and an attendant that have presumably been assigned to check on me and change my IV fluids, as well as clean my bedpan. There's a date too. I do the math. It's been nearly two weeks since the wedding.

My throat is dry, which I guess makes sense. I try to swallow and start to cough. Jack jerks awake and looks at me, stunned.

"Water." I manage to say in between coughs.

He nods and gets a disposable plastic hospital cup. He fills it with water and brings it to me. I take slow sips.

"Better?" he asks.

I nod, "What happened?" I ask. It comes out horse. Even with the water, my throat is still off from lack of use.

"You don't remember?"

"Bits and pieces."

He nods, "Well, obviously, certain aspects of your plan backfired."

I nod, unsure of what to say. Jack just watches me silently. Finally, he opens his mouth, "Should I get a doctor? Or a nurse?"

I shake me head. He probably should. People should know I'm awake. But once that happens, they'll be other people, and I won't be able to talk to him, "What are you doing here?" It's all I've wanted to ask since I saw him sitting there. He doesn't answer, "Have you been here the whole time I was …"

He shakes his head, "Just during visiting hours. And a couple other people have been in to see you. The nurses they … they don't like for you to have a lot of people crowded in here so I went off and got yogurt in the cafeteria, or something in the gift-shop."

"But you stayed in the hospital this whole time?" I ask, stunned, as I try to sit up.

Jack looks away, not letting me catch his gaze, "Well, I went home to sleep. They wouldn't let me stay-"

"What about the Stowaway?"

"I have people looking after it."

"But why would you … I don't understand?"

"I had to make sure you were okay." He says. It's almost a whisper, but I hear it.

"It's been nearly to weeks."

He looks at me, surprised, "How do you know that?"

I motion to the whiteboard. He nods, "Yeah, I uh, I guess it has."

"You stayed with me all that time?"

"Well, like I said, at night-"

"Why would you do that?" He doesn't say anything, avoiding my gaze once again, "Why would you care what happened to me?"

He shakes his head, "I don't know. I really don't know why I care. But I do." He finally looks at me, and the look in his eyes makes my breath catch in my throat, "Against my better judgment, and after everything, I care what happens to you. I care _about _you. I needed you to be okay."

Something flashes in my mind, "Did you talk to me?"

"What?" He looks at me, confused. It's a look I know well. I've seen it so often now in my dreams.

"While I was … comatose. Did you talk to me?"

He nods, "Everyday. Why?"

"I heard you. I mean, not all of it. What I remember, it's not fourteen days worth of you talking to me. But some of it. I thought I was dreaming." He's still watching me. I meet his eyes, "You said you couldn't lose another person you loved." He swallows, but doesn't respond, "Did I dream that?" For a long time he says nothing, does nothing, and I think maybe I just made it all up. But then he shakes his head, "You love me?" I ask, needing him to confirm it. He doesn't. He just blinks back tears.

I try to remember the things I said to him in my dreams. All the words unspoken and missed opportunities. I need to say it all to him now, before the chance slips away and I lose my nerve, "I love you too." I say, and it sounds so strange, saying something so real and true after all the lies, but I keep going, "I love you, whether you love me or not I love you. I've always loved you, with my whole heart and every part of me, when I didn't want to, when it would have made everything so much easier not to, I loved you. When you told me how you felt that night under the fireworks, I wanted to tell you everything, how much you meant to me, who I was, and how you were never for even an instant alone in how you felt. And it was because it would have ruined my plans for the Graysons, and because it would have put you in danger that I didn't, but it was more than that. It was that I was scared. I was scared of you seeing the broken, screwed up girl I had become. I was scared of you looking at me with revulsion, of everything you felt for me being washed away with the tide. I wanted you to hold onto the memory of that happy little girl, and not see what she had become."

Jack sits down beside me. I don't realize I'm crying until I feel his hand brush the tears from my cheeks. I relish his touch.

"I love you." He whispers, "I know it's not smart, and it doesn't make any sense. But I do. I can't help it. Seeing everything you've become, I still love you. More than ever before. Isn't that what real love is? Seeing somebody's scars and loving them anyway."

I chuckle, "Not scars like mine."

"Shhh." He whispers, brushing my hair with his hand, pulling me to him, "We'll figure it out."

I let him hold me, and for the first time in a long time, I feel safe. I start to drift off to sleep, and when I wake up, I'm surrounded by nurses, and doctors, and a few familiar faces looking at me with concern, but no Jack.

Was it all just another dream? Another moment that should have happened but didn't?

I look over to my bedside, full of flowers and letters, and one other thing. It's a photo that's been printed from the Internet. It's generic, and to most people, it would mean nothing, but to me, it means everything.

I let people fuss around me, focusing my eyes on that one picture of Fourth of July Fireworks.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you liked it. At this point, we still don't know who is going to shoot Emily, so I tried to write it in a way that no matter who it is, this is still believable. I think it should be, unless the shooter is Jack, but I don't think it will be. Earlier in the season maybe, but not now. Anyway, I hope you liked this little fic. Let me know what you think. Have a good day.

Regards,

~RedTailedHawkens


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